How a Time Lord's Hearts Go Supernova
by gahlifre
Summary: Love is a promise. And he has broken so many promises. And with an empty void in front of him that should be Gallifrey, how can he go on? The Doctor reflects over the events of Dark Water/Death in Heaven. Spoilers within for those episodes.


As soon as Missy had said the coordinates, the Doctor had been filled with so much hope. 10-0-11-0-0 by 0-2 from Galactic Zero Centre. Clara was so silly, asking him if he remembered those numbers. Of course he remembered. A man never forgets anything about where he comes from.

His home.

The Doctor convinced himself that his planet being there was entirely plausible. Indeed, the Master, Missy, whatever they called themselves now, was right. He hadn't even gone to Gallifrey's previous location. He, the idiot Time Lord that he was, hadn't even really searched for his home. He was too scared of the possibilities, too fearful of being disappointed.

He should have kept on running. Looking back never helps. In every corner of the universe that he has touched, hasn't the only thing he runs into time and time again pain?

The Time Lord dropped Clara back at her flat when the events of the day were done. He told her about the bracelet, how he believed Danny could find his way back to be with her. The way it should be, Mr. PE and the brilliant, fantastic, Clara Oswald. His Clara. Well, not so much anymore. Because Danny Pink was who she deserved. Not a madman with a box, who only left her in pain and heartbreak.

And so the Doctor was alone in the TARDIS. But he was going to be fine. This time, he was going to be fine. He didn't need anyone.

He carefully typed in the coordinates, the ones and zeroes and twos pressed gently and precisely. The buttons having all been pushed, the TARDIS started to whir into life, the Circular Gallifreyan inscribed pieces moving above his head. When the motion stopped, the Doctor quickly flicked the screen displaying the coordinates, making sure everything was alright.

One step, two steps. He was so close. So close to maybe seeing his home again. The Time Lord put his hands on the doors, pushing out, his two hearts racing like nothing before. His life was about to change because of what was waiting for him. A beautiful, orange ball… such a wonder! He looked outside.

Only to see nothing.

Nothing was there. Nothing at all. Just the black and blue of empty space, of dying stars. An empty void, pulling his life apart. There was definitely no Gallifrey. The Doctor just stared for a while, as if somehow contemplating over the planet's existence, he could bring it back. He even let out a little telepathic nudge to any life outside, hoping that maybe, if his home couldn't be there, maybe one of his people would be in that void, at least.

But there wasn't anything at all.

He stepped back inside his TARDIS as quickly as he could. The only thing he had left of that home he had thought he was so close to reaching. In his head, the Time Lord could hear the time machine murmur in compassion, but he blocked her out. Of all things, he didn't need her damn sympathy!

His hearts quickly overflowed with rage as he started walking back towards the console. So much anger coursed through his veins, at Missy, at the universe, and above all, himself. How could he have been so stupid? To think that there was any sort of redemption for himself? To even contemplate that the Master was capable of anything but lying? Fate was never kind to him, so why did he expect it to help him out in a situation as important as this?

The Doctor continued to take painful steps to the controls of his TARDIS, his thoughts swarming in his head. Why did he deserve this? Why did this have to happen to him? After all the good he had done! Could the universe not grant him a break? Why did he always have to live, and everyone else had to die? Why? WHY? _**WHY? **_

Before the man even really knew what he was doing, he was hitting the console with all of his might. The anger, the pain, and the loss, and the heartbreak that he had tried to mask for so long under that rough Scottish exterior came out in a jolt of energy. His mind flooded with all the people he had failed in his life… Clara, Amy, Rory, Martha, Donna, Rose, River… His first wife and children, grandchildren, and his friends on Gallifrey, being burnt to a crisp as the red grass around them became soaked with blood, the redemption they might have had whisked away. Missy, his old friend, his best enemy, dead, though they had just wanted to be with him! How could he be so selfish? How could he be _so stupid_? _So idiotic?_

Love is a promise. And he has broken so many promises.

Finally, the Doctor couldn't take it anymore. His hearts panged as his telepathic barriers slipped and he could hear the TARDIS again, moaning her song along with his own. He stopped pounding the console, and instead started to sob. He had hurt a friend, perhaps one of his best friends. Yet another life he had ruined. All he could think to do was rest his head on the very desktop he had just torn to smithereens, and cry until there were no tears left.

OOO

It took him a few days of just sleeping and sitting for him to even want to face Clara again, numerous hours in the console room just pacing and thinking and crying and trying somehow to fix his TARDIS. But still, somehow, he managed to drag himself out of the time machine one day and into the coffee shop that his Impossible Girl had asked to meet him in.

Almost as soon as he had sat down at the table, she started in about telling him something he wouldn't like, and the Time Lord knew what she meant. The human girl was tired of travelling with the old, mopey Time Lord, and wanted to live on with her Prince Charming. At least she would be safe, and live a long happy life with her love. It was all he could offer.

But he could see on her face, how she didn't want to let him go, in a way. The man could sense her worry over him, and the only thing that he could think of to make her feel better was to say that he was happy, so she could be just the same. He had found Gallifrey; he was going home to the two suns and silver-leaved trees of his childhood. He was going to be a king! There was no reason for Clara Oswald to mourn for a man who didn't even matter that much anyways. That human girl from Blackpool had so much more ahead of her. She was going to rule the world.

And after all they had done, she just wanted a hug. Though he hated the treachery, hated hiding his face from her, hated her face turned away from his, he returned the favor. It was good anyways, in the end, that she did not see his big sad eyes.

"Doctor? Travelling with you made me feel really special. Thank you for making me feel special."

"Thank you for exactly the same."

Oh, Clara Oswald.

She will never know just how much you meant those last words.

* * *

><p><strong>DEATH IN HEAVEN AND DARK WATER RUINED ME AND I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.<strong>

**But really, series eight was fantastic, I love Capaldi, I love Jenna, and I love Doctor Who most of all.**

**I'm sorry I haven't updated any of my fics in a long time. There have just been so many things going on in my life. I think I might have some creative juices coming back though, so let's hope I can start to update some things.**

**Love you all, and thank you for reading!**


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